Doctortayria's Blog

There is a big story going on, a universe story and a deep personal story speaking just outside of our normal modes of perception. I sense that whatever any of us are living now, the stories that we understand and can tell about our lives are like looking through a key hole and telling only the tiny bit we can gather from that point of vision. I believe there is a grand design, I believe in past lives and that the stories we play out every day are completing and fulfilling a much deeper story than our current brain power and modes of perception will allow us to understand. And I believe in the essential goodness of the universe, and that every possible thing is leading us toward that good.

I remember hearing that one of Einstein’s basic questions was, “Is the universe a friendly place or not.” I have long been moved by that question and I have pondered it through life’s travails. But I sense that it is friendly, and good, and that love is the basic element. That is what my experience leads me to conclude, not thought or belief.

I feel cracked open by the death of my dog, and out of the opening I guess the need emerges to proclaim such statements as these. The Animal Hospital of Waynesville which has done Coco’s veterinary care since I moved here and who helped me in his final moments sent a card in the mail that I opened tonight. It had a sincere note of sympathy from all of the 16 doctors and staff that worked there in it. They talked about him like he was their friend too and expressed such heartfelt sympathy. I cried through reading every note. This is a good universe. I do believe this.

Speaking with my dear Mother today, she was asking about Coco and how I was doing in the aftermath of his passing. I told her how much he had been my rock and source of love and strength for so long and how hard it is to feel that absence. She said, “Maybe God thinks you didn’t need him any more.”

Sheesh, I never thought of anything close to that. I said, “Mama, maybe you’re right! Maybe God thinks I don’t need him anymore!” It felt like a revelation. She backed up and said, “Well I don’t know if that’s what God is thinking.”

But secretly, I think she does know. While she was in the hospital last year her lovely grey hair began to stand out in all directions as a result of spending so much time on a pillow. My sister said she looked like Einstein, which was kind of true. I told Mom that Einstein said his major goal was to know “God’s thoughts” and that she and Einstein had that in common and were now tuning in together. The hair works in antenna-like fashion possibly. As of today, I truly believe my Mom knows God’s thoughts. I am encouraged that she, and He, can imagine that I don’t need Coco anymore.

In a grief filled sleep this morning, missing my recently passed dog, Coco, a dream image presented itself. Coco’s bed was there, empty, with an owl and raven on it. His bed was a soft little thing, so the weight of these birds tipped the side of it, their size too big for the bed. Hmmmmm. Is my little mister missing from his bed but these other big energies have moved in? Intriguing dream. Welcome owl and raven.

I began a 21-day ritual on August 10th for clearing and cleansing the old, and inviting the future. There are a list of things I do each day as part of it, one of them being clearing some space in my house daily. The power of this has rocked me to the core. How could I have imagined Coco would go out in this tide? My heart is trying to catch up.

I believe strongly in the need and necessity for personal ritual to participate with the larger forces of life consciously and creatively. I’m going to be fascinated to see what all this one produces. I am still realizing benefits of rituals I did like this decades ago. My mind gets blown as I recognize how the effects keep manifesting. I want to explore and teach more of this.

When an animal or a human with whom we have shared a vigorous love leaves this plane, where does the love go? All of that energy in life suddenly just isn’t there. Where is it? To say to myself that it melts into the diffuseness of the general cosmic love doesn’t satisfy. Where is it? The love I want to express for Coco, where to put it? Into the void? Into something else? None of that feels right. The love that he expressed for me that was the strongest force in my day-to-day life – is just not there. I’ve never experienced a death like this one. I suppose they are all different. This is not comfortable. I don’t like it right now, not at all. I miss my dog.

… and flights of angels take thee to thy rest.

This being has offered his deep, dynamic and enthusiastic love to my life and that of my family for nearly 14 years. Today was his day to pass over, and I never really experienced the meaning of AWESOME until the Awe of his transition struck. We sat with him, sobbed with the sadness, as his spirit was moved from physical form to whatever that other is about. But when we brought his little body to the mountain to bury, just  after our prayers and remembrances, in the very moment when the dirt was being placed upon the top of his remains, lightning struck just yards from us. I have NEVER experienced anything like that. My friend said immediately, “Coco!” It registered with her that the visitation was not coincidental. He was letting us know that he is there, and can send messages. We came into the house shortly afterward and the lightning struck again on my property, I thought it would bring the house down but it didn’t. In case we missed the message the first time, here it was the second. In six years of living here nothing close to that has ever happened right here on the property. The fact that it occurred at that exact moment seems like it can’t be just accidental. The communications between those just passed over and those who remain in the grief need to be studied and recognized. There are a lot of stories there. Something is going on.

“To every thing, turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn, turn. A time to be born, a time to die.”  Pete Seeger wrote the song, Ecclesiastes gave him the lyrics.

Life is turning. My dog Coco will be transitioning tomorrow as I hold him. It is his season. A life well lived, and a life to be celebrated, he has been a source of unconditional love and never-ending enthusiasm for the tiniest joys of life. He has been constant, and loyal and hilarious. I can’t even imagine the last 13 1/2 years of our lives without him – can’t imagine! What a gift, what depth of joy, sweetness and beauty he has provided. The otherworld is so lucky to get this boy tomorrow.