Posts Tagged ‘redemption’

Redemption, Yes

March 7, 2010

I believe the very first blog I wrote was about a question that kept posing itself in my mind all through the Christmas season, “Is redemption possible?” It seemed to be coming out of trying to finish grief over losses; like the teenage years of my precious, priceless younger daughter while I was a broken down wreck of a Mom due to divorce situations. It is hard not to wish you could have a do-over, but you can’t, those years are gone. But can all of that potential somehow be redeemed for both of us, or does one just grieve the loss and move on? I seem to remember hearing a big YES sometime in January and understanding that it applied to my question.

I had a dream last night that left me feeling so wonderful. I believe it is part of this contemplation. In the dream I have taken a trip – traveling back to the place and time of those excruciating years of my life.  There I was, but I felt really whole, healthy, happy and strong. I was making some decisions for myself that I couldn’t possibly have made at the time – constructing a whole life that looked very different from what actually happened. Upon awakening an analogy occurred to me – that at that time, the events of my life were like a two ton truck trying to make it across a tiny, rickety little country bridge. Everything just collapsed into a big mess – the bridge, the truck, the bucolic little scene. I was the rickety bridge, I couldn’t hold things up. But now, in this dream, I felt like a great strong bridge. The events came through, I made insightful and brilliant decisions, I  felt good, was creative and everything just moved on by.  The dream scenes and my actions remain vivid to me, especially the feeling tone of them. I take little scrawly notes in middle of the night to remind myself of the dream. My scrawl says “Taking back my power, in retrospect.”

As I lay there this morning trying to wake up, musing on the dream, I realized that in my body I still feel a bit too identified with the rickety bridge. I knew the dream was telling me a different story – that I am stronger than I realize, the energy of all that is moving on through and by, and I’m in good shape. Redemption of all of the possibility, vitality and power is indeed possible. I feel it deep inside; I just need to get the feeling more into my cells so I don’t feel so shakey.

I am so grateful for this dream. I love dreams. I say this all of the time, but I can’t help myself.


January 16, 2010

In the weeks before this past Christmas 2009 I seemed to be in a life review internally, seeing from the perspective of my current age and experience things I could only wish to somehow be able to do over. For example my youngest daughter went through her adolescent years with me utterly wrecked by the heartbreak of the ending of my marriage. I developed PTSD and was having anxiety attacks after some shocks that were devastating psychological blows. No child deserves to have to live with a mother who is in this condition, and especially not this child. I can’t get those years back with her to enjoy them differently, and I grieve that.

Stages of life are fleeting and we are often so ill-prepared to appreciate and fulfill the potentials of them. During these weeks of thinking things through a question kept occurring to me: is redemption possible? Can what seems to have been irrevocably lost like that be redeemed? The things we didn’t do well, lost opportunities, situations we screwed up by handling them badly, the could-have, would-have, should-haves… can somehow the lost energy, grace and wisdom of those times return to us? Or is it all lost forever, and an attitude of serene acceptance with determination to move on is the best way to handle the realizations. Or, is redemption possible?

These were my musings. Organically my thoughts kept wandering through the reviews, and then bringing me back to the same question. Occasionally a little tickle of energy in my belly seemed to say “yes!” I would made note of it. Thoughts would circle around, and now and then I felt a little tickle of “yes”. A still, small voice, as they say, was speaking.

But last night as I was just walking through my house, seemingly out of nowhere a huge “YES!!!” filled my head, arriving with so much energy. A vision occurred of a big brass bowl of oil which suddenly ignited on fire. The vision seemed to say that in one single moment, everything can be turned to gold. The scene was of pure golden light and fire. All of our mistakes and failures and seemingly lost moments are not lost, but are like drops of oil in a bowl. At some unexpected moment, not because of anything in particular that we do or deserve, only because of continued living and trying, and because of the elegance of the universe itself, all of that energy ignites and everything is redeemed. It IS possible.

I accept this answer to my question. I will keep musing, but I am grateful for this vision.