Redemption, Yes

I believe the very first blog I wrote was about a question that kept posing itself in my mind all through the Christmas season, “Is redemption possible?” It seemed to be coming out of trying to finish grief over losses; like the teenage years of my precious, priceless younger daughter while I was a broken down wreck of a Mom due to divorce situations. It is hard not to wish you could have a do-over, but you can’t, those years are gone. But can all of that potential somehow be redeemed for both of us, or does one just grieve the loss and move on? I seem to remember hearing a big YES sometime in January and understanding that it applied to my question.

I had a dream last night that left me feeling so wonderful. I believe it is part of this contemplation. In the dream I have taken a trip – traveling back to the place and time of those excruciating years of my life.  There I was, but I felt really whole, healthy, happy and strong. I was making some decisions for myself that I couldn’t possibly have made at the time – constructing a whole life that looked very different from what actually happened. Upon awakening an analogy occurred to me – that at that time, the events of my life were like a two ton truck trying to make it across a tiny, rickety little country bridge. Everything just collapsed into a big mess – the bridge, the truck, the bucolic little scene. I was the rickety bridge, I couldn’t hold things up. But now, in this dream, I felt like a great strong bridge. The events came through, I made insightful and brilliant decisions, I  felt good, was creative and everything just moved on by.  The dream scenes and my actions remain vivid to me, especially the feeling tone of them. I take little scrawly notes in middle of the night to remind myself of the dream. My scrawl says “Taking back my power, in retrospect.”

As I lay there this morning trying to wake up, musing on the dream, I realized that in my body I still feel a bit too identified with the rickety bridge. I knew the dream was telling me a different story – that I am stronger than I realize, the energy of all that is moving on through and by, and I’m in good shape. Redemption of all of the possibility, vitality and power is indeed possible. I feel it deep inside; I just need to get the feeling more into my cells so I don’t feel so shakey.

I am so grateful for this dream. I love dreams. I say this all of the time, but I can’t help myself.

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