Countdown

I started writing this blog on January 15, a New Moon, eclipse day, as an exercise to get my writing juices flowing and to connect with the world outside of my hermit’s cave. I committed to writing every day for 40 days. Tomorrow is the 40th day. This causes all sorts of reflections and issues to arise for me in considering what the nature of my committment will be going forward. I have been trying to create a discipline for finishing my book for all of the years I have been living here in the mountains. Why have I made no progress with that, yet this seems to be working? The blog feels more immediate, less daunting I suppose. But now that the 40 days are nearly over, I wonder: would it be better if I switch the committment to the book writing, and would I actually succeed at making the transfer? Or would it be better if I continue this committment since apparently I am having my first success at following through on anything related to writing in all these years, and hope that will energize me to spend more time finishing my book? This is my present dilemma.

I wish that I understood what a healthy relationship to discipline would be for me. Some people are so good at it. I seem to want to wait for the thing to “spring clear without my contriving” as Rilke says. “May what I do flow from me like a river, no forcing and no holding back, the way it is with children.” I don’t want to have to muscle myself into the writing. Part of the difficulty is that I lived a very disciplined life until about 10 years ago, but when things fell apart an inner rebel sprang forth from her cage and is very sensitive to ever feeling “oppressed” again. She creates all manner of havoc with nearly every effort I make to create a discipline. She’s a child of Dionysus, stubborn and unruly. As soon as I try to force her in any way, she reenstates her power. Other parts of me haven’t learned to stand up to her yet. These 40 days have been an attempt to manage the relationship and forge an alliance. I’ll be interested to see how we work it out going forward. Prayers will be welcome.

4 Responses to “Countdown”

  1. ljcollins Says:

    I hope you keep them coming. I’ve enjoyed hearing your voice. I hear you about finding the right balance of commitment. I do think priming the writing pump is a good thing, though.

    • Tayria Ward Says:

      Thank you Laura. Your interest has been so encouraging all along, letting me know I’m not writing into a vacuum! I want to get your blog address again and attach it to this one, too. I know there is a way to do that, I just don’t know what it is yet. I’ll figure it out. Thanks Laura.

  2. Rus-T Says:

    I have most recently been reading your blog as I use Sarah’s computer and she has made your blog her homepage. I have to say that it is very awesome to hear your voice through your thoughts that you share. It reminds me of that first sweat we shared together on your land, what a powerful weekend it was for me, and what an amazing, powerful, thoughtful, insightful, and genuine Woman you are. We really only shared that time together but you are a true friend.
    So, let me get to my comment. I say all of the above because first because it has been since that sweat since I’ve seen or talked to you and I want you to know what an amazing Woman you are in my eyes. I think you should do both. The blog because I enjoy reading it and the writing/book because you set out to do it and it seems you still want to. You just don’t want it to control you. So why not aproach your writing like the blog. Who says you have to write any differently than you do now. Just get your thoughts down and refine it later. You’re obviously not too attached to a time line so who cares how long it takes. If writing and enjoying it is the goal then maybe you’ve found your format, at least your rough draft format.
    Taria, I think you write beautifully and from the heart and from what better place to hear words and thoughts in written from. I think the thing HAS sprung clear, but WITH your contriving! In creating this blog to distact yourself and “get the writing juices flowing” you built an avenue for your writing to travel down. You just need to groom out some of the stop signs and replace them with some more conducive ones like yield or traffic lights only with no red just green and yellow meaning go or slow.
    Just some thoughts that came to mind on what I just read. I hope you are doing well. I like hearing your voice through this blog.

    • Tayria Ward Says:

      Russ, the true friend feeling is one of life’s little miracles, isn’t it? Even after just meeting you the first time at Nancy’s garden tour I felt that way, some little click of connection perfection through the heart. Your face and Sarah’s smile at me from my refrigerator every day and brighten up my life. So thank you for expressing that. And for your thoughtful and encouraging thoughts in response to my quandry. My brother-in-law wrote to me yesterday about a little coincidence around “haints” and I have to say, somehow knowing that he and you are appreciating what I’m doing, people I wouldn’t necessarily expect to be interested particularly, means something to me and does help make me think I will persist. I so appreciate your letting me know you’ve enjoyed it, and your thoughts about the book too. I do think it’s coming in the flow of the stream opening up now, I like your ideas about yield signs instead of stop signs. Yes. I hope you and Sarah and I can have a glass of wine or something soon. Thank you, Russ.

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